October 17, 2010: The Ramones - I Don't Want to Grow Up

The Ramones - I Don't Want to Grow Up: youtube.com/watch?v=inpKD4vXxZ4

Some of my friends are visibly getting older. It's odd. They're choosing partners they will probably marry within the next 3 years where before they would have had a fling. They're getting better paying jobs that they'll likely pursue and develop into careers. They're joining book clubs. (Note: I am also in a book club. And I recently joined a gym. It's all so against myself.)

A friend told me that as one gets older they tend to rebel against what they once had been, what they had been in their years perceived as "youth." I guess this is a certain kind of truth. As a youth I did well in school, was terrified of authority, was scared of people to a strong degree, was scared of allowing myself to appear vulnerable. Now I strive to be more open, to rebel against those I see as tyrannical (in a more active way), I'm not scared of people. I love going to art openings and seeing all the typical OCAD kids smoking and wearing black and taking pictures on film cameras with bright flashes because it makes me feel alive. I still love going to shows by myself. I strive for less responsibility and more freedom. I feel younger now than I had before.

And I think I planned this. I wasn't ready for the risks of youth when I was young. Now that I've read books that built our society and it's perceptions, have grown to understand aspects of humanity I never could grasp before, have studied physics and met addicts and paid my own rent I feel I can risk it all for there is a point now.

But perhaps I'm not being quite as coherent as I'd like. It is almost 4am and I have to get up to work in 5 hours. I appreciate most, lately, something Christopher Hitchens said about burning the candle at both ends, how it emits a beautiful light.