July 13 2010: Bright Eyes - Lua

Bright Eyes - Lua: youtube.com/watch?v=5aZh261KZWI

This is just about how I imagined how my young manhood would play out. I dreamt of the city when I was younger, of beautiful and sorrowful girls and parties at vain and beautiful peoples homes, of mornings alone with coffee and outside sounds, of movement and suspicious activity and softness.

I think I’ve achieved this to a degree. Granted, I stay in writing most days, I organize events that are beyond my capabilities, bringing stress, I worry about my successes and lament my failures, my present often seems to be in a constant state of building and reaching for what is not yet there, if it will come at all. And my time drinking is sometimes lamented, as well, as it brings less time writing, less money, more things said than I sometimes want said.

However, this is the worst of it. At the best I’m alive and creating even if I’m out all day meeting with friends, haunting the same four walls of the same four buildings that accept me. I’ve met the sorrowful ones who share in my state and who wish me well, who bring me moments of heavy and paralyzing gratitude. There are so many grand ventures I’m yet to bring but I think that I’m not yet ready for them. I’m on the verge of these things, but time will be my provider for now.

And this city has brought me so much of this. One moment, recently, makes me eternally grateful. An actor/musician friend of mine invited me to play some songs at his house party. I did so and the night progressed with the finding of a dear sister in another, briefly, with a sharing of dear history with another, with the possibility of and turning from tenderness. It came together near sunrise, though, when the small group left went to the basement and hid in the dark, small space filled with thin red sheets lining the walls and we listened cross legged to a friend play light songs forever. Amelia sat next to me and we leaned into each other. It was quiet but for the light music and each breath. We all seemed overtired and in love then. And I look back on it with fondness and sorrow, with love for Amelia and the rest.

And I thank this city and its many dark and wonder brought beauties.