Hayden - Barely Friends: youtube.com/watch?v=U3mwg1-2BfQ&feature=related
I sometimes resent the fact that I've resigned myself to go through with this blog project. For I revel in mystery but it's not served me best so far, I'm attempting transparency. Which means, sometimes, confession.
So. Despite myself.
My biggest love once told me that when she was a teenager she decided she would marry Hayden. She had no choice, it was decided. Now she's with a man who resembles Hayden, who treats her right, and they'll probably get married. And I'm happy for her, for that.
Sometimes the thought of what could have been different, though, can be debilitating.
And I've felt, for years, that perhaps I'm cursed when it comes to love. I married a concept of my life when I was young and have pushed away many things which I felt could have been a distraction from that, including love, affection, security. But then any time I've left those concepts aside, allowed them, they've seem to spurn me.
Not always, of course. But for the sake of argument:
I've felt before that perhaps my person can be off-putting; I'm silent and accepting. I have little capacity to "fight" for someones affections. I'm honest to a fault. I've considered that perhaps if I were a better liar I could win every woman to my side for I've seen it done but I don't have such things in me. One close to my heart once told me of her past boyfriend, that she had never had someone so persistent in wanting to be her boyfriend and she relented to him for that.
A friend said recently, "Why do I always pick the wrong guy?" I had no answer, and in fact felt her concern to be foolish for we always seem to pick the wrong one in retrospect, it's just that some give the wrong one more of a fighting chance. Granted, I'm not so cynical, but you get my point? It's so rare to find "the right one" that it may take a lifetime and I guess I'm ready for that more so than most.
But most chances I've taken have ended in sorrow, embarrassment or (worst of all) anticlimax. It seems.
Though I am no pariah. I admit I have spurned.
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